C is for Cookie

I hate to be cliche but since I am a stay at home mom for now I have to conquer my fear of baking. My favorite memories as a little girl were baking with my mom and finger painting. We probably did not bake and finger paint everyday but it kind of feels like we did. My mother barely made things from scratch which I never knew or cared about. Our store bought cookie dough, cake mix, and brownie mix were always perfect and delicious and I would never have known  better if it weren't for Aunt Rose. Aunt Rose the baker. OMG the woman could own a bakery. She travels to towns all over NJ for the best cookies and pasteries and cakes when she doesn't make them herself. As a kid I'd spend a lot of time baking with her. Christmas time, we'd make a shit load of cookies. When I say a shit load I mean she gives them to EVERYONE as gifts from her house cleaner, to the girls at the hair salon, to her neighbors, and every family household gets a box. Her motto is always how much work goes into one cookie. And I don't really like a lot of work, but I really love homemade cookies and decorating. Easter time, we baked the traditional breads and I remember literally tucking them into a bed; a trick to make them rise perfectly. So why oh why do I NEVER EVER bake anything that is edible!?!? E V E R!?! Well, I was on a healthy muffin baking kick last year and when they started getting good I invested in muffin tins that weren't the 35 cent disposable ones. Well, every muffin freaking burnt on the bottom or sides on every batch that I made. After googling that I need to put the tins on a cookie sheet to do something with the heat on the bottom and sides they didn't burn, but they were always dry, I had scorched and scratched expensive muffin tins, and I lost interest real quick. I read blogs and these #supermoms have great recipes, clever ideas, and funny stories about their kids. AND THEY ALWAYS ARE BAKING!!!!!! Most have big kitchens in big houses God knows where and every tool for the trade. I'm a great cook and wait till I start drinking again and blogging that's when things will really get good. Two babies under 2, a lush, and a blog? GREAT IDEA. But, in the meantime I am a very pregnant New York mom in a small space and damn it if you all are going to make my mouth water everytime I read a blog!! It's time to bake bitches!!

Obsessing and diving into projects is more of a distraction to the fact that in 3 months I'll have another little boy to snuggle with. There's no preparing for him either, we have EVERYTHING left over from Alex so we're ready for him. It's very different this time. And I am so hormonal and indecisive. I can't decide on his name, what the plan for Alex is when I am in the hospital, thinking about breastfeeding and what to do if Alex wants my boobs or what Alex will be doing when the new baby has my boobs, and all the big things that come with having a baby. Shit even the small things. I can't deal. Or decide. I have returned and reordered and returned and really pissed off Zappos. I have changed my mind three times ordering takeout from the Italian place. Twice I canceled on my Dad picking us up for vacation. I'm loving being pregnant for the second time besides being so crazy Mary. I feel great besides starting to feel really really big and more hormonal this week than like ever. But whatever. I am making cookies. And when you make cookies you smile and forget about sweating the small stuff because everything just works out. Somehow it does.

My tools to start with the basics: COOKIES!!!

Yesterday, I took my 20% off coupon to Bed Bath AND Beyond and bought myself cookie sheets with good reviews, a cookie scoop, parchment paper, a cooling rack, a rolling pin, fun cookie cutters, and other little gadgets that totaled my bill way above $100. And I went home. I am baking myself a batch of chocolate chip cookies!

They're out of the oven! 

Batch 1: FAILURE 

My cookies were gross. I even put them back in the oven to see if they'd cook or turn brown or something but they were gewy inside and the gew was seeping through the bottom. The batter got sticky and I should've put it in the freezer but I wasn't delaying my mission. So this is what I got. They don't look as nasty as they were. 

Batch 2: YUMMMMMMMMY!!!!!

Second round was woop-woop pretty damn good. Alex LOVED them and he is picky about his cookies like his mommy! They could've used more choco chips, but I couldn't help myself and ate a bunch and then another bunch before they made it into the bowl. OOps. I froze the batter for 20 min and what do you know they came out like cookies. Real cookie tasting cookies. And I would like to pass this recipe on to all of the baker's out there.

The smile of SUCCESS!!!

The very best chocolate chip cookies 

• 2 sticks softened butter 
• 1 cup white sugar
• 1 cup brown sugar
• 2 eggs
• 2 teaspoons vanilla extract
• 3 cups all-purpose flour
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 2 teaspoons HOT water
• 1/2 teaspoon salt
• 2 cups chocolate chips or chunks
• 1 cup chopped walnuts (I LOVE nuts in choco chip cookies but my son's allergic)

Preheat oven to 350

Cream together butter, white + brown sugar until smooth

beat in eggs one at a time

add vanilla

disolve baking soda INTO  hot water then add to batter 

add salt

add flour bit by bit 

throw in choco chips + nuts

drop by large spoonfuls onto pans w parchment paper

bake 10 minutes or until edges are browned

All of the normal people are in Jersey

I'll never take the phrase "scaring the shit" out of someone lightly again. I never thought one could be so scared they could actually shit themselves. We spend most of the summer on the Jersey shore where my entire family lives. Alex and I do like 2-3 weeks in NJ and then 2-3 weeks in NYC. So my parents and I took Alex to a little farm/ petting zoo one morning a few weeks ago. And I see how Alex is SUCH a city kid. He loved seeing the animals. We had a great time. Towards the end of our visit there was a rooster sitting on a fence maybe 2 feet away from where we were standing. Grandpa was holding Alex and when the rooster let out a cock-a-doole-doo Alex jumped a mile, screamed, and pooped his pants!!!! EWWWWWwwwwww in my Dad's arms, so gross, my kid pooped his pants!! The rooster scared the shit out of him and I had to change his little diaper in the grass and try and calm him down, but he wanted to get the hell out of there. There was no cooperating. I wanted to get the hell out of there. What a fucking mess. I'll take him back when he can know the words to Old McDonald and wipes his own ass.

So besides the farm, Alex LOVES the Jersey shore. We walk to the beach every morning, my whole family lives within 4-5blocks from each other, I hired a swim instructor to come to the house (which was a disaster; my mom, aunt, and 92 year old Grandma, beers in hand, kept telling him how the Y taught me in 1982 and how swim techniques were much better back then. OMG. Shut it.), there's a fabulous playgound across the street and another on the beach, and there's always someone dying to cook for us. But, we haven't seen any other moms with kids out on the beach in the mornings or at the playground much. We don't have any friends there or any kids in the family so it can get lonely. The best part is the food. Yummy Italian state of goodness. I'm always hungry. Actually, starving. I don't remember being this hungry when I was pregnant with Alex at all. And I feel great but I am starting to feel so big and I have such a long way to go. I'm 24 weeks and gained 11 lbs so far which is right on target. When I was pregnant with Alex my friend Spencer told me I'm the biggest pregnant lady he's every seen, but I felt like I looked so much bigger than I felt. Not so much this time. I feel pretty big. Maybe cause this time it's summer and I'm in less clothes or maybe I'm just fucking huge. Whatever. So it's coffee, juice, and breakfast on the beach by 8am every single day and that's fine with me. Alex is the best beach kid ever. He's obsessed and can play in the sand for hours. Marc's even made it down Sat-Mon a few times. We're so lucky and I tell myself this everyday. But Jersey runs its course. There's way too many chiefs and not enough Indians. But in the summer it's hot in the city, but with kids it is so fun and so easy until we have to take the subway uptown in rush hour or on a Sunday afternoon... or the elevator is broken. Then NYC fucking sucks and can kiss my Jersey ass. When we're in the city we have our outdoor playgroup two mornings a week, swimming class on the roof of a fabulous midtown hotel, sometimes a music class, and the parks and playground. The swimming class with other kids on this hotel rooftop is one of the most fun things Alex and I could do together. Actually it's one of those only in New York-if my friends could see me now experiences. It's so fun and we SCORED with a great group of kids and moms from all over Manhattan and Queens, who like me, don't hesitate to blow and dunk the baby. And they don't obsess over making their own saltines. Actually, most of them are from Long Island and have pools in their families yards or plan on moving back soon and they want to get their kids swimming too asap. They're nice, but I have the BEST friends in the world. Since Marc works 6-7 nights (and days too) a week I am 95% on my own everyday and night with Alex. My friends have never once complained or bitched me out that I've missed like every birthday, I've had to flake on plans quite a few times, or that I've again forgotten to call them back. I have felt so bad so many times I wished they would call me and freak out, but they just get it. Or they tear me a part over drinks behind my back, which is totally fine too. I have best friends who I click with, that are my family, and yet meeting someone new who has a kid would be awesome. But, someone I can talk about other things with than just our kids. How hard is it to meet a girl with a kid that drinks alcohol and likes theatre or the Kardashians and is from the tri-state area?!? Impossible. I meet people everyday at all the stuff Alex and I do and we have a fun little network uptown of people to do things with. But, they're from all over the world and some I swear from different planets. We got an email inviting us to a fun date by one of the girls who go to this playgroup. FUN. We never get invited to things and I'm getting all excited reading the email and guess what!? It's a clothing swap date. Yep. A fucking clothing swap date to teach our children about recycling. What!? Our kids are under 18 months old cheap-o's!!!!! Here's the deal: bring an item of clothing you and your child don't mind parting with that's in great condition. We'll lay it on a table and swap so everyone will leave with something new and don't have to buy a new item!! What!?!?! And 10 'yes' replies already?!?! WHAT!?!?! So, I am going bananas. Like, hello I am from New JERSEY where we go to the mall. Or an outlet. Or use our 30% off coupons at Kohl's. Where we shop cheap and new for our little babies. Hell no would this shit ever happen across the river. So, I call my BFF Joey who lives in Los Angeles but is from Ohio and ask him what he thinks of the clothes swap date. "Oh fun!!!! That's the shit we did all the time in Ohio!!!" Of course that's what he says. So whatever. I am from the other planet. And hell yes I declined that invite and tried so hard not to roll my eyes when the moms compliment how cute Ava looks in Jeffrey's hoodie. As much as I absolutely am a New Yorker, and as much of a city person as it gets, I swear all of the normal people are in New Jersey!!!!!

The culprit 

Grandpa get me the hell out of here! 

Goodbye farm and good riddance! 

The King of Belmar beach 

So. Here's what's for dinner since I am craving shrimp like all of the time. The price: $22 for a shrimp dinner from my local Jersey shore fish market/restaurant which gives you 12 fried shrimp, french fries, and tartar sauce. So $88 for take out for 4 people seems unreasonable when $20 gets me about 2 lbs (about 45 medium size) shrimp from the local fishermen. (Or a big frozen bag from any fish market/ Costco/ ect) I LOVE buying fresh but same price and Costco's come cleaned and deveined. I was my night to cook and I made a shrimp fest dinner for my family; a mix of scampi, cocktail in a spicy bloody Mary, and fried with homemade tartar sauce. It's super affordable for 4 people and it needs to be served with two sides b/c shrimp isn't the most filling of foods. Marinate boiled shrimp cocktail in a bag of bloody Mary mix overnight or for a few hours at least in fridge. Keep some fresh mix to serve w instead of using cocktail sauce. Fry up some shrimp. And cook the rest in the scampi sauce. It's quick, delicious, very impressive, and with the sides included cost me $33. I served it with a salad, corn on the cob, and my favorite; jalapeño corn bread.

SCAMPI SAUCE 
handful of garlic
3 tbs butter
Squeeze lemon
Splash white wine or beer
2 handfuls breadcrumbs

HOMEMADE TARTAR
1 cup mayo homemade or store bought
juice 1/2 lemon
2 tbs grated onion
small handful chopped pickles/ cornichons
if you have em throw in about 1 tbs chopped capers
a little dill
some parsley
dash worcestershire
splash hot sauce

SHRIMP FEST

Smooth Operator

Worry worts. Panic attacks. Anxiety. All things bad for you. You know what's really bad for you? Mixing dishwashing detergent with vinegar. Yeah I did that. My whole apartment started stinking like bleach. I opened the door and inhaled to see where the hell the bleach smell was coming from. Am I going crazy? Did I pour bleach inside and not vinegar by mistake?! Of course I didn't. I remember clearly opening the vinegar bottle. I googled it and they said I am stupidly dangerous. Shit. I created chlorine gas. Shit. People have died from it. Shit! It was used as a war tactic in WW2 and here I am about to kill myself and my family. This is how we're going down. Oh my G O D! Poison control 1-800-222-1222 "hello help I am freaking out. I made chlorine gas. I'm pregnant. I have a sleeping baby in another room. Are we going to turn into zombies?!" Well, those people are freaking amazing. If you EVER have an opportunity to call poison control I would highly recommend it. The first guy wasn't very amused with me and told me to open the windows and if I feel sick call my doctor. So that wasn't good enough. I called back from the landline. The next guy went into exquisite detail that it's like sniffing a pool and the levels I mixed aren't that bad unless I begin to have trouble breathing and seeing. Otherwise it doesn't enter the blood only the lungs so my unborn child won't be affected and we don't need to evacuate. BRAVO, Brent at poison control. BRAVO! I am so proud I didn't call my OBGYN who is already awaiting one of my crazy phone calls. I said this time around I am going to not be a panicking pregnant lady. I am going to be laid back, cool, and calm. I am a mom now. I am an adult in my (choke) 30's. I am in control. But, I am also so sober, realistically super hormonal, and over emotional too people! I am tired. I have to pee 25x a day. And I AM HUNGRY!!!!!! So give me a break. It could be worse. A lady I'm friendly with kissed her little girl on the lips at the playground with her Dior collagen lip plumper on and the toddler's face blew up within minutes. It was crazy. Another lady was on her cell phone at the playground and her toddler swiped her PB&J sandwich which triggered an unexpected peanut allergy blow up. Hospital trips, poison control phone calls, and freaking out at the pediatrician's office are all a part of the cycle. You can't (actually you can but I'd be divorced and disowned) keep your kid on a leash. I became not only a super mom of a walking and talking toddler but apparently I would have been much better off with a nursing degree too. Alex fell slightly into the tv stand the other day and I thought nothing much of it until he looked at me crying and his mouth filled up with blood. OH MY GOD!!! Say what?!?! I was alone and completely shocked this was happening at such a little fall. After checking for a lost tooth, a bitten tongue, anything I could find.... he basically hit his cheek on the fall BUT his tooth went into the inside of his cheek and pierced the shit out of it. He spit the blood all over his new shirt and stopped bleeding and crying. He was fine in 5 minutes. BUT WHAT ABOUT ME?!?!?! I need a drink. I need a therapist. I need a hug!! What a way to throw me into the crazy nursing part of being a parent that is so far beyond kissing a skinned knee. As I said it could be worse. Things could always be much worse. I hadn't thought that far, but I handled what I was given like a smooth poison control operator and that was just another success.

Don't let this face fool you!!! Turn your back for 5 seconds
and this little boy will find trouble that he knows better than getting into
in front of mommy! 

KNOCK! KNOCK! CAT LADY!

Do you think that crazy attracts crazy?  I am the person the insaine guy on he subway sits next to and picks on.  I am the woman whom the postal worker goes postal on for asking if there are any other kind of stamps not cartoons. I'm the mom who got attacked at Macy's by a pacifier nazi mom for my infant sucking on a pacifier. Last night I was the one who did what I hate most to do: confronting someone pissing me off. I hate and will avoid confrontation at all costs. Cat lady upstairs is a single woman I'd say about 55yrs old who is a music teacher at a very prestigious elementary school.  That would make me assume she wakes up VERY early. She's been living upstairs from us since before I moved in 8 years ago. I remember clearly so many nights before I was pregnant when my husband and I would have just gotten back from the bar and would lie in bed imagining what she and her 3 cats were doing. So whatever. I've been a TERRIBLE neighbor most of my loud adult life. I never complained. When I was big and pregnant, Cat lady got into the elevator with Marc and I one day and said, "So with the baby below me I won't be vaccuming at 1am anymore." WHAT?!? OK maybe that's part of the noise but what about the bowling with cats, rearranging her furniture, and basketball playing that we have imagined you doing pretty much every night too?!? What about that? The vaccum wasn't even the big problem. So 3:20am last night she was on a roll, Alex was awake and crying, and I couldn't take her shit anymore. I went up there in my bathrobe and slippers. KNOCK KNOCK CAT LADY. "The baby's crying I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE! What are you doing!?!?!" AND SHE STARTS CRYING opening the door slowly and jesturing me to come inside. "My dresser doesn't belong here, the end tables don't match I have to depopodge them, and my table needs to be against that wall. What do you think? You have great style. I'm sorry. Will you help me move my bookshelf? Can I get you a cup of tea?" She's wired on this OCD rant and WTF no cat lady I have a crying baby and a pissed off husband and I don't like you. Crazy bitch. I HATE confrontation but my lordy lord I had to be firm about the noise and get the f*** out of that nut house before her crazy energy rubbed off on me.  Her apartment was SPOTLESS though and rather lovely. I mean she could channel her craziness into say coming over and cleaning out my closets. There's a million things she can do. I'm a mom and protecting my son is my life. I live in a neighborhood where this means weekly throwing an egg at a car or two all because some couple had a fight and the husband comes out to sit in his car and blast salsa between 1-4am. Not appropriate and believe you me; different couples every week=same shit. Before Alex, I could sleep through a bomb going off outside my window. I've grown into a mom who wakes up just to check on my baby during the night. I've grown by confronting my neighbor face to face. I was DYING to leave a note. I've grown by working on my pitching arm so that when I throw an egg it doesn't hit the car I'm aiming at and mess it up, but land to the side to make a point. I've grown. Alex has grown. We are changed and we are changing.

Every day Alex is doing new and exciting things. Yesterday we accomplished what I have been waiting for since his birth: playing with a ball. The interactive stage. We sat rolling a ball back and forth. He giggled like a mad man. It kept his attention for almost 10 minutes which is really cool. This year has been so long and fulfilling. I don't feel like it flew by at all. Alex turned 1 on January 30th which was my last blog entry. This whole journey has left me putting off thinking about how I feel about it all because it's an extraordinary thought that leaves me feeling like a stoner when I even dare to go there. So, yeah. Other than Alex, I held a co-worker's baby a few years ago. That was my experience regarding me and babies until Alex. When Alex was born and was left to me alone in the hospital last year, that was the first for everything for me. He was the first baby I ever picked up and held unsupervised, the first diaper I ever changed, everything. I had to learn how to clean him, feed him, and not forget him anywhere; all of which I did pretty damn remarkably well naturally. Dressing him was a bit of a challenge, but we got there too. Now, he claps his hands, waves, feeds himself, crawls, loves his toys, watches tv, stands up, is learning two languages at once, and is now trying very hard to conquer walking. All in one year!! I am almost finished with my associates degree. I'm pregnant again. I turned 30!!!! I found my first grey hair. All in one year so much has happened. Alex and I have learned so much it's beyond what I ever imagined. And each day has become a complete kick in the ass challenge to keep myself and my son learning and growing so that each year we can hopefully say that we have learned as much as we did in our first year together. Extraordinary!

Alex LOVES riding the swings at the playground

This little guy came out of ME 13 months ago and here we are sharing coconut ices in the park. Wow.

This is my New York, NY. My pretty neighborhood along the hudson river. Also home to The Little Red Lighthouse from the famous children's book.

Hi, from below the George Washington Bridge!

My boys on one of our adventures! 

I have gotten a lot of great responses to the recipes I've posted and been asked more than once now on a recipe for a quick and cheap meal. My favorite go to meal is spaghetti and clams. It's fanciest enough to impress in-law's for dinner, under $10, and best of all if you use canned clams you can whip it together in under 30 minutes and have a fabulous feast. I love using fresh clams, but that's not always practical so minced clams in a can are great to stock up on when you see them on sale.


SUNDAY DINNER SPAGHETTI AND CLAMS
*1.5 pound spaghetti
*3 cans minced clams (or about 18 fresh clams)
*1/2 bottle clam juice (only for canned clams recipe)
*1/2 can chicken broth/stock or 1 glass of white wine (no worries if neither is on hand use a cup of the starchy cooking water when the pasta is about done cooking!)
*1 tablespoon butter
*a lot of chopped garlic
*evoo
*crushed red pepper/grated cheese/fresh or dried parsley or any garnishes

Saute garlic in about a generous inch of evoo. Add clams in cans in their juice + 1/2 bottle of the clam juice or all your fresh clams. Add butter. Cook 3-4 minutes and throw in the stock/wine/water. Cook 5 minutes or until fresh clams open. Salt and pepper I love adding crushed red pepper. When pasta is done I always reserve a bit of cooking water to add to sauce if needed and for leftovers. Toss pasta with sauce and garnish as liked. Serves 2-3. Bon appetit!

Keep these in your pantry for a quick fancy meal

Smelling so good in the pot!

Bon appetit! Spaghetti and clams for dinner!

Saltines

Alex and I usually stop for a lunch date after Mom and Me

Normal down to earth moms are hard to freaking find in NYC and I can't imagine it being the same way everywhere else. I hate judging people (especially moms!) who love their kids to death. But, for fuck sake I am venting how sick and tired I am of this obsessing over food to the point of who makes their own saltines.  How the hell do all of these moms have time to make their own saltines, cereals, and baby food?! (I mean aren't they keeping up with The Bachelor?? Ben's season is soooooooo good!) I make all of Alex's baby food and that alone is very time consuming! Do you think they are lying??? Should I walk into Mom and Me Thursday with Alex's graham crackers (ends a bit rough) and go off on how I made them from organic cinnamon flour love?? Damn right I am. I barely have time to shower so how the hell do theeeeyyyyyyy have time to worry about making saltines!!?!)  I mean saltines?!?! Of all freaking things to make. And it's a popular one apparently too. 

What I did finally perfect though is my prosciutto and eggplant stuffed chicken . When I make it I assemble a few and freeze them for a rainy day. Always great to have on hand and it's one of Alex's favorites.  

Spring semester just started and I even dropped one of my 3 classes before even going to focus on getting through Spanish2 online, making it through two days a week of crazy college algebra, and my head's just not in it. All of a sudden it's gotten tough to be a full time student, a mom, and wife of a hoarder. Alex's first birthday was today (yay!) and my parents came over for lunch and to play with him. He ate his own cupcake like a monster and I have great pics and video. His new fascination is crawling through and under everything. My parents bought him a 6 foot play tunnel to crawl through. My ass won't fit through and I haven't sat down since 6:45am no joke. Not because I hurt my ass or anything in a play tunnel, but because I was chasing my son around.

Alex's 1st Birthday

My Thursday Mom and Me requires moms to sign up for a date to teach a lesson geared toward your kids age group. One mom taught balloon blowing which left kids crying over popped balloons and me paranoid about small pieces. Another dad taught bubble blowing and when soap got in one kids eye the mother had a meltdown and it ended the day all weird and early. I'm nervous. Like what would Rachael Ray do?!?! My date is coming up and New York Moms are freaking tough to please! OK so I was set on teaching sharing and bringing in snacks and calling it a day. But now with this food-restrictions-God help anyone with gluten in the room obsession craze I am learning about; I am so not giving anybody's kid a melt in your mouth piece of goodness. Ever. Since a lot of moms are reading my blog, please, comment suggestions/ ideas for my Mom and Me lesson. Thank you. And- if you know of great moms in Manhattan who want  to start a Wine Served at Mom and Me petition please send them my way. Thanks again. 

Hail Mary Chili

A BEER FOR ME AND A BEER FOR MY CHILI  

RECIPE serves 4-5 huge portions 

1.5 lb ground turkey 

6 hot spicy turkey sausage links out of the casings *OR FOR GOING VEG* use 4-6  veggie crumbled veggie burgers how ever many you have. 

1 bottle/can lager style beer

1 15oz can tomato sauce

2 15oz can stewed tomatoes

1 cup veg stock 

1 can light kidney beans or pinto beans (rinsed & drained) 

1 can corn

1 yellow onion chopped

1 green pepper chopped 

2 ribs celery chopped

3-4 cloves garlic 

handful jalapeños 

2+ palmsful chili powder

2-3 bay leafs 

a bunch of cilantro chopped (save some aside for garnish)

cheese/chopped red onion/sour cream/yogurt/ i am big on garnishes

Coat pot with EVOO. Cook turkey until not pink. Add green pepper and celery. Cook 5-7 minutes. Add chili powder and 1/2 of the stock. Add onion and garlic. Cook 5 minutes. Throw in beer and let simmer 2-3 minutes then add tomato cans, beans, remaining stock, jalapeños, corn, cilantro, bay leafs, add chili powder if needed. Salt/ pepper. Cook over low heat 90 minutes. 

JALAPEñOS CORN BREAD

any boxed brand of corn bread (except whole wheat it has awful taste and the consistency of a paper plate!)

2 handfuls chopped jalapeños (i use jarred if fresh remove seeds for less heat)

2 tablespoons minced onion 

1 egg

1 cup milk

mix together and make according to box! 

New York sure is one hell of a town. When I travel I always come back rusty. Tackling the grocery store(s) was a disaster, but it got me into the swing of things immediately. There isn't a nice big supermarket in my neighborhood. There's the organic market, the bodega, or the grocery (for everything packaged the meat, fish, and produce will likely kill you). It takes shopping at three stores to survive. The isles are tiny. People are always getting into fights. The cashier made me wait a beat today until she finished her boloney sandwich to ring me up. The manager hit me with a basket he was throwing into the pile. An old lady yelled at me for excusing myself with my big ass stroller to pass her. Some guy was having a meltdown over what to buy to kill his bed bugs. He made Alex cry. Just another day. I was now on a mission to keep myself on vacation mode and make it without uttering one curse word and just keep it together enough to get to the wine store where everything is always ok. So guess who was inside talking with the most familiar voice to the salesgirl?!? Dr. freaking Ruth. I prank called Dr Ruth's sex lines every single Friday night in middle school. She and her on air sex advise have such a special place in my heart. I taped my pranks to her and used them as a fancy cassette tape demo to get started as a voice over artist when I was 16 and began making prank calls for a living. True story. And here I am determined to not let the fast pace speed me up. My zen is so so gone and all I've got left is the giggles and motivation to go home, cook, and youtube old LoveLine clips while Alex naps. 

Snowbird

Here I am in Deerfield Beach, Florida settling in my 91yr old Grandma into her snowbird home for the next 4 months. My mom (who's totally here to drink wine all afternoon and chain smoke on the patio) already stirred up trouble as well as my 11month old son Alex. The three of us came to drop my Granny off at her summer camp style resort again and the trek from the north can't go smoothly every year. You'd think we'd have it down by now, but the "Real" housewives of New Jersey would be proud of our own Jersey Girl's inability to travel without dramatics. First, TSA gave Granny the pat down of her golden years. She's talked about it for day's. I've had to eat through a few meals and every happy hour so far hearing how she hasn't been touched like that since my Grandfather in Reno 40+ years ago. Gross. Embarrasing. Like, I'm trying to establish a relationship with the bartender downstairs and now she's overheard this story two times and thinks we're nuts. No wonder I wound up with food poisoning. That wasn't her fault. That was mine. Rule #1 never eat in an empty restaurant. A new crepe place opened at the corner. All Granny wanted was crepes because she ate them at ihop once and loves them. She said she'd be in heaven minus the pat down if we could go for dinner. So sure, but I knew better. Nobody in America fucking eats crepes for dinner and.. I KNOW better. Nobody was in the damn place. Granny hated the menu. "At ihop they have plain crepes with sour cream, can't I get that?" I was like gritting my teeth and saying, "Those are blintzes, not crepes." I can't win with her so she's totally dissapointed. We are the only people in the place. The owner doesn't speak a word of english and I'm basically ordering and taking care of us in French. They don't serve wine so my mom's pouring her mini Sutter Home bottle from her purse into an empty water bottle she chugged. They wound up with strawberry crepes while I went with the opilance; chicken, artichoke, mushroom, cheese, pesto = food poisioning. So I have an infant to take care of (who doesn't sleep but we'll get to him later), a mom who drank too much wine, and a happy Granny who I found out later popped too many allergy pills (she doesn't have any allergies she'll just take anything to her sleep) and didn't even remember going to dinner. I vomited the whole night and shivered all day yesterday with a 102.3 fever. I peed my pants. I changed my son's nasty poopy diaper as he looked at me, smiling, and said his third word clear as the Florida day: shit. The phone rang as my son Alex and I went for a much needed nap next to my passed out mom and Grandma. I answered it thank God. Theresa, whom just bought the condo downstairs and hasn't even met my Granny yet. I noticed something was wrong with Theresa before her phone call when I noticed her beach front condo boarded up and her weird homemade notice on the front and back doors with detatchable phone numbers hanging off saying "Please take my phone # off this letter. Call only if necessary. Due to extreme need for rest and severe medical issues don't knock or ring bell. -Theresa" And here she is calling to question noise that has her freaking out. She says she's got post traumatic stress syndrome and is freaking out because of whatever sounds like wheels over her head and she might die from a collapsed ceiling. I tell her no its my son in his walker and we are here for the week and won't use it late at night. She wants to install carpet. I tell her to relax and she says she'll suck it up. Good because I figure if she calls again she's getting my mother Judy who will unleash her inner Jersey Girl and give her major post traumatic stress. So she didn't realize how lucky she was that she got me on the phone. I was sooooo nice. But silly Theresa. She called back as I was vomiting. My mom (three glasses of wine in) answered this time and gave it to her. From the bathroom floor I hear, "Yes, (in the nastiest tone then takes a dramatic pause) Well....(pause extra long) I have God damn roller skates with me and I am going to put them on tonight and skate over your God.. damn.. head... and have.... (raises voice and is now slurring and shouting) MY Grandson in his walker by my side all night long!! Capisce?!?" Oh my God. I haven't seen what Theresa looks like yet.  But giving her the benefit of the doubt maybe something horrible happened to her in her life and her snowbird months in the sun are so much better than whatever midwest town she comes from. Who am I anyway? I've got post traumatic stress from traveling with an 11month old, a 91year old, and my mother. Holy shit I need a vacation. I need to  figure out a way to become a snowbird. But I did get a genius travel idea. As little babies need a lot of things I used babyborrow.com and rented a walker, a pack and play, a float for the pool, a bathrub, and a bag of toys. The toys were age/ gender appropriate. For these items (delivery+pickup included) I paid $100. Genius best $100 ever. How do other moms travel and cart so much crap?! I just took my own stroller and infant car seat that I squeezed Alex into for the last time. Next year I'm going to rent a car with a carseat and tackle the Florida driving. Actually, I've only driven with my son 2-3 times ever so it's going to be interesting indeed. Maybe we'll wind up in Disneyland. Maybe we will look forward to a complaintless, food poisioning- less, drama free season to blog about. Until then more to come from the sleepless nights and cold days ahead.