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Saturday, May 18, 2013

Dr. Mom

My latest resume includes: house cleaner, personal chef, cookie chef, massage therapist, physical therapist, nutritionist, bartender, teacher, student, toy assembler, toy mechanic, boo-boo kisser, singer, nurse practitioner, and doctor. I am a jack of all trades. Before I started smoking, drinking, and discovering musical theatre I was VERY young with this crazy idea I would be a doctor when I grew up. At first I thought I would be a veterinarian. Then I realized animals just don't like me very much. Ok ok animals hate me. I've been bit by 5-6 dogs, a police officer's horse in Times Square, and attacked by 2-3 cats. My gerbil hated me and would sink his little teeth into me every time I went to feed/pet him... ew! My dog even attacked me and all of the time. (May he rest in peace my favorite little Stoli.) Clearly being a vet and being a doctor is not for me although I really like helping other people and I read a lot about health and practicing medicine. So, now I have been dealing with my very sick toddler who I am slowly nursing back to health. After way over a month of bullshit, Alex has had 2 colds back to back, an ear infection, rushed in ambulance because he couldn't breathe and wound up having the croupe, hospitalized again Easter weekend testing positive for the flu, he got better for 2-3 days, and then he was just so sick he was in and out of the hospital for all together 15 days with high fevers 105.8 being the highest and crazy swollen tonsils. His tonsils are still huge, but they have gone down. They still have a bit of puss on them, but they no longer look like he ate a mouthful of cottage cheese. His throat was fire truck red. The cheesy puss all over my little boy's ganglia-globs have scared me for life. Never will I ever eat cottage cheese. I had my tonsils removed when I was 5 because they were so infected and nasty for a year. My husband should have had his removed as one is always bigger than the other and they swell and are nasty. I don't know about you medicine people, but when I was a kid if my mama took me to the doctor and I even complained of a sore throat I was swabbed for strep and given an antibiotic; strep or not as long as my throat looked red/inflamed. Not anymore apparently?!?! At the hospital I kept getting told, "It's viral.

You are being discharged with a dose of Motrin." So the conversation goes like this:

Me: How do you know that my sons pussy, crazy inflamed tonsils are due to a virus?
Doctor: There are 20,000 virus' and 20 kinds of bacteria. Chances are its viral.
Me: Ok so if my kid is walking around with an infection and needs an antibiotic what signs should I look for to bring him back?
Doctor: Not being as active as your kid is. Really sick kids with bacterial infections do not run around and play. They are very sick and his activity level makes me sure that this is a virus.
Me: Right... this is him medicated after getting Motrin in the waiting room for a 105.8 fever. If you saw him before that he sure as hell wasn't playing around. Buddy, my kid needs a fucking antibiotic and I'm not leaving without one.
Doctor: Parents always want answers and they want doctors to over-prescribe antibiotics when it's not a bacterial infection. It will do nothing if its viral.
Me: How can we be sure it's viral when he tested negative for most virus?
Doctor: It is almost impossible to tell if tonsillitis is bacterial or viral. We observe the child. You know, if a child has too much antibiotics in his lifetime it can throw off his genetic makeup and he can become immune to some antibiotics. That is why we are hesitant to prescribe them.
Me: Could he have abscessed tonsils?
Doctor: Yes
Me: And if he does?
Doctor: Then he needs an antibiotic
Me: Sir, my kid has been on antibiotics two times in his two years. And I am willing to bet his genetic makeup and his resistance that this time it is necessary.

I walked out of there with a perscription. And what do you know? After 24 hours, three doses, I was finally free of not acting like a child medicating maniac. I was giving my kid Motrin every 6 hours but shoving a tylenol suppository up his ass every 4 so that he would stop shaking as his fever spiked from 101 to 104+ in the 1-2 hour window before I could re-administer Motrin. So if that's not more harmful than prescribing a 10 day course of fucking bubble gum flavored ammoxicillin then I really don't know what the is going on or what I am doing!!!

And I was right. Of course I was right. Alex's tonsils abscessed. They're still bad, but he's fever free. He still has a lump sized swollen gland in his groin. Two days before coming down with the croup and all that jazz that followed he had his MMR vaccine. After loads of research i held off on this vaccine until Alex turned 2. I am super pro vaccinating kids, but my Dad is super susceptible and prone to shingles from radiation so I had to wait until I wouldn't see him for a month to vaccinate Alex. I am convinced, without a doubt, what happened is that Alex got a light case of measles from the shot mixed with a virus/flu he picked up somewhere and all together this little boy developed a terrible reaction somewhere somehow. The MMR causes swelling especially of lymph nodes in the groin. The croup is seen typically accompanying the measles. Coincidence? I think not.

So. Why don't all Mom's have an opportunity to get a sort of medicine practice degree. I'm not talking about being able to prescribe a lot, but let's say if there was a course that Mom's could take to properly diagnose the basics and write their kids a prescription so many doctors offices wouldn't be packed and health care costs would never be as high. I'd take the class. Wouldn't you? I'm talking about when a doctor checks for an ear infection they just stick that light up in there, look around, and say yes or no. What the hell do they see in there?! If I am out of town or its in the middle of the night (my kids never complain of ear pain when they had have an actual ear infection or do the tug on the ear) I can check for myself, find a pharmacy, and not have to resort to a hospital, a walk in, or wait it out. If I could write a prescription for extreme diaper rash beyond butt-aid's abilities, an ear infection, a sore throat... the basics... I don't think that's a bad idea at all. And I don't think it's a bad idea for day care centers to have a sick room where sick kids go and lay around watching movies all day; with a nurse on staff. I don't know that much about day care except that I have personally heard first and second hand account stories of moms who have had their kids not feeling well and running a fever when they just couldn't take off of work. So they pumped their kids with Tylenol, dropped them off at day care, and prayed nobody noticed if they ran a fever later on in the day. I've also heard of day cares having rules "No fever above 102." Are you fucking kidding me? Is that what our society has come to? Since the stay at home mom is almost non existent and the working mom has limited sick and personal days... Why aren't better plans available for everyone with sick kids? In France they pay you to have kids. Then they pay for your diapers. If you work hard in America and your kid is sick in day care they should be waited on hand and foot by a registered nurse.

Caprese Lasagna Roll Ups
Alex and my new favorite dish!
Serves 5 (I make for 4 and have 2 leftover)

10 lasagna noodles uncooked
1 1/2 cups ricotta cheese
1/3 cup grated Parmesan/ Pecorino
16 oz bag shredded mozzarella
4 plum tomatoes
1 egg white
Basil
2 cups tomato sauce

Preheat oven to 350. Bring pot to a boil and Under-Cook lasagna noodles by 1 minute. While they're cooking put ricotta in a bowl and add the white of an egg.
Mix till fluffy. Add Parmesan and 3/4 the bag of mozzarella. Mix and add pepper NO salt. When noodles are done lay them out on parchment or wax paper. Spread the cheese mixture on. Put 4-5 tomatoes next. Then top with basil and roll till seam-side down. Place in already prepared pan/ pans with the bottom lightly coated in some of the tomato sauce. Top each rollup with two+ tablespoons sauce covering the ends so they don't burn and remaining mozzarella. Bake 30 minutes. Garnish with more basil.