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Monday, January 30, 2012

Saltines



Alex and I usually stop for a lunch date after Mom and Me

Normal down to earth moms are hard to freaking find in NYC and I can't imagine it being the same way everywhere else. I hate judging people (especially moms!) who love their kids to death. But, for fuck sake I am venting how sick and tired I am of this obsessing over food to the point of who makes their own saltines.  How the hell do all of these moms have time to make their own saltines, cereals, and baby food?! (I mean aren't they keeping up with The Bachelor?? Ben's season is soooooooo good!) I make all of Alex's baby food and that alone is very time consuming! Do you think they are lying??? Should I walk into Mom and Me Thursday with Alex's graham crackers (ends a bit rough) and go off on how I made them from organic cinnamon flour love?? Damn right I am. I barely have time to shower so how the hell do theeeeyyyyyyy have time to worry about making saltines!!?!)  I mean saltines?!?! Of all freaking things to make. And it's a popular one apparently too. 

What I did finally perfect though is my prosciutto and eggplant stuffed chicken . When I make it I assemble a few and freeze them for a rainy day. Always great to have on hand and it's one of Alex's favorites.  

Spring semester just started and I even dropped one of my 3 classes before even going to focus on getting through Spanish2 online, making it through two days a week of crazy college algebra, and my head's just not in it. All of a sudden it's gotten tough to be a full time student, a mom, and wife of a hoarder. Alex's first birthday was today (yay!) and my parents came over for lunch and to play with him. He ate his own cupcake like a monster and I have great pics and video. His new fascination is crawling through and under everything. My parents bought him a 6 foot play tunnel to crawl through. My ass won't fit through and I haven't sat down since 6:45am no joke. Not because I hurt my ass or anything in a play tunnel, but because I was chasing my son around.


Alex's 1st Birthday



My Thursday Mom and Me requires moms to sign up for a date to teach a lesson geared toward your kids age group. One mom taught balloon blowing which left kids crying over popped balloons and me paranoid about small pieces. Another dad taught bubble blowing and when soap got in one kids eye the mother had a meltdown and it ended the day all weird and early. I'm nervous. Like what would Rachael Ray do?!?! My date is coming up and New York Moms are freaking tough to please! OK so I was set on teaching sharing and bringing in snacks and calling it a day. But now with this food-restrictions-God help anyone with gluten in the room obsession craze I am learning about; I am so not giving anybody's kid a melt in your mouth piece of goodness. Ever. Since a lot of moms are reading my blog, please, comment suggestions/ ideas for my Mom and Me lesson. Thank you. And- if you know of great moms in Manhattan who want  to start a Wine Served at Mom and Me petition please send them my way. Thanks again. 

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Hail Mary Chili

A BEER FOR ME AND A BEER FOR MY CHILI  


RECIPE serves 4-5 huge portions 

1.5 lb ground turkey 
6 hot spicy turkey sausage links out of the casings *OR FOR GOING VEG* use 4-6  veggie crumbled veggie burgers how ever many you have. 
1 bottle/can lager style beer
1 15oz can tomato sauce
2 15oz can stewed tomatoes
1 cup veg stock 
1 can light kidney beans or pinto beans (rinsed & drained) 
1 can corn
1 yellow onion chopped
1 green pepper chopped 
2 ribs celery chopped
3-4 cloves garlic 
handful jalapeños 
2+ palmsful chili powder
2-3 bay leafs 
a bunch of cilantro chopped (save some aside for garnish)
cheese/chopped red onion/sour cream/yogurt/ i am big on garnishes

Coat pot with EVOO. Cook turkey until not pink. Add green pepper and celery. Cook 5-7 minutes. Add chili powder and 1/2 of the stock. Add onion and garlic. Cook 5 minutes. Throw in beer and let simmer 2-3 minutes then add tomato cans, beans, remaining stock, jalapeños, corn, cilantro, bay leafs, add chili powder if needed. Salt/ pepper. Cook over low heat 90 minutes. 

JALAPEñOS CORN BREAD
any boxed brand of corn bread (except whole wheat it has awful taste and the consistency of a paper plate!)
2 handfuls chopped jalapeños (i use jarred if fresh remove seeds for less heat)
2 tablespoons minced onion 
1 egg
1 cup milk
mix together and make according to box! 

New York sure is one hell of a town. When I travel I always come back rusty. Tackling the grocery store(s) was a disaster, but it got me into the swing of things immediately. There isn't a nice big supermarket in my neighborhood. There's the organic market, the bodega, or the grocery (for everything packaged the meat, fish, and produce will likely kill you). It takes shopping at three stores to survive. The isles are tiny. People are always getting into fights. The cashier made me wait a beat today until she finished her boloney sandwich to ring me up. The manager hit me with a basket he was throwing into the pile. An old lady yelled at me for excusing myself with my big ass stroller to pass her. Some guy was having a meltdown over what to buy to kill his bed bugs. He made Alex cry. Just another day. I was now on a mission to keep myself on vacation mode and make it without uttering one curse word and just keep it together enough to get to the wine store where everything is always ok. So guess who was inside talking with the most familiar voice to the salesgirl?!? Dr. freaking Ruth. I prank called Dr Ruth's sex lines every single Friday night in middle school. She and her on air sex advise have such a special place in my heart. I taped my pranks to her and used them as a fancy cassette tape demo to get started as a voice over artist when I was 16 and began making prank calls for a living. True story. And here I am determined to not let the fast pace speed me up. My zen is so so gone and all I've got left is the giggles and motivation to go home, cook, and youtube old LoveLine clips while Alex naps. 

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Snowbird

Here I am in Deerfield Beach, Florida settling in my 91yr old Grandma into her snowbird home for the next 4 months. My mom (who's totally here to drink wine all afternoon and chain smoke on the patio) already stirred up trouble as well as my 11month old son Alex. The three of us came to drop my Granny off at her summer camp style resort again and the trek from the north can't go smoothly every year. You'd think we'd have it down by now, but the "Real" housewives of New Jersey would be proud of our own Jersey Girl's inability to travel without dramatics. First, TSA gave Granny the pat down of her golden years. She's talked about it for day's. I've had to eat through a few meals and every happy hour so far hearing how she hasn't been touched like that since my Grandfather in Reno 40+ years ago. Gross. Embarrasing. Like, I'm trying to establish a relationship with the bartender downstairs and now she's overheard this story two times and thinks we're nuts. No wonder I wound up with food poisoning. That wasn't her fault. That was mine. Rule #1 never eat in an empty restaurant. A new crepe place opened at the corner. All Granny wanted was crepes because she ate them at ihop once and loves them. She said she'd be in heaven minus the pat down if we could go for dinner. So sure, but I knew better. Nobody in America fucking eats crepes for dinner and.. I KNOW better. Nobody was in the damn place. Granny hated the menu. "At ihop they have plain crepes with sour cream, can't I get that?" I was like gritting my teeth and saying, "Those are blintzes, not crepes." I can't win with her so she's totally dissapointed. We are the only people in the place. The owner doesn't speak a word of english and I'm basically ordering and taking care of us in French. They don't serve wine so my mom's pouring her mini Sutter Home bottle from her purse into an empty water bottle she chugged. They wound up with strawberry crepes while I went with the opilance; chicken, artichoke, mushroom, cheese, pesto = food poisioning. So I have an infant to take care of (who doesn't sleep but we'll get to him later), a mom who drank too much wine, and a happy Granny who I found out later popped too many allergy pills (she doesn't have any allergies she'll just take anything to her sleep) and didn't even remember going to dinner. I vomited the whole night and shivered all day yesterday with a 102.3 fever. I peed my pants. I changed my son's nasty poopy diaper as he looked at me, smiling, and said his third word clear as the Florida day: shit. The phone rang as my son Alex and I went for a much needed nap next to my passed out mom and Grandma. I answered it thank God. Theresa, whom just bought the condo downstairs and hasn't even met my Granny yet. I noticed something was wrong with Theresa before her phone call when I noticed her beach front condo boarded up and her weird homemade notice on the front and back doors with detatchable phone numbers hanging off saying "Please take my phone # off this letter. Call only if necessary. Due to extreme need for rest and severe medical issues don't knock or ring bell. -Theresa" And here she is calling to question noise that has her freaking out. She says she's got post traumatic stress syndrome and is freaking out because of whatever sounds like wheels over her head and she might die from a collapsed ceiling. I tell her no its my son in his walker and we are here for the week and won't use it late at night. She wants to install carpet. I tell her to relax and she says she'll suck it up. Good because I figure if she calls again she's getting my mother Judy who will unleash her inner Jersey Girl and give her major post traumatic stress. So she didn't realize how lucky she was that she got me on the phone. I was sooooo nice. But silly Theresa. She called back as I was vomiting. My mom (three glasses of wine in) answered this time and gave it to her. From the bathroom floor I hear, "Yes, (in the nastiest tone then takes a dramatic pause) Well....(pause extra long) I have God damn roller skates with me and I am going to put them on tonight and skate over your God.. damn.. head... and have.... (raises voice and is now slurring and shouting) MY Grandson in his walker by my side all night long!! Capisce?!?" Oh my God. I haven't seen what Theresa looks like yet.  But giving her the benefit of the doubt maybe something horrible happened to her in her life and her snowbird months in the sun are so much better than whatever midwest town she comes from. Who am I anyway? I've got post traumatic stress from traveling with an 11month old, a 91year old, and my mother. Holy shit I need a vacation. I need to  figure out a way to become a snowbird. But I did get a genius travel idea. As little babies need a lot of things I used babyborrow.com and rented a walker, a pack and play, a float for the pool, a bathrub, and a bag of toys. The toys were age/ gender appropriate. For these items (delivery+pickup included) I paid $100. Genius best $100 ever. How do other moms travel and cart so much crap?! I just took my own stroller and infant car seat that I squeezed Alex into for the last time. Next year I'm going to rent a car with a carseat and tackle the Florida driving. Actually, I've only driven with my son 2-3 times ever so it's going to be interesting indeed. Maybe we'll wind up in Disneyland. Maybe we will look forward to a complaintless, food poisioning- less, drama free season to blog about. Until then more to come from the sleepless nights and cold days ahead.