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Monday, April 9, 2012

Smooth Operator

Worry worts. Panic attacks. Anxiety. All things bad for you. You know what's really bad for you? Mixing dishwashing detergent with vinegar. Yeah I did that. My whole apartment started stinking like bleach. I opened the door and inhaled to see where the hell the bleach smell was coming from. Am I going crazy? Did I pour bleach inside and not vinegar by mistake?! Of course I didn't. I remember clearly opening the vinegar bottle. I googled it and they said I am stupidly dangerous. Shit. I created chlorine gas. Shit. People have died from it. Shit! It was used as a war tactic in WW2 and here I am about to kill myself and my family. This is how we're going down. Oh my G O D! Poison control 1-800-222-1222 "hello help I am freaking out. I made chlorine gas. I'm pregnant. I have a sleeping baby in another room. Are we going to turn into zombies?!" Well, those people are freaking amazing. If you EVER have an opportunity to call poison control I would highly recommend it. The first guy wasn't very amused with me and told me to open the windows and if I feel sick call my doctor. So that wasn't good enough. I called back from the landline. The next guy went into exquisite detail that it's like sniffing a pool and the levels I mixed aren't that bad unless I begin to have trouble breathing and seeing. Otherwise it doesn't enter the blood only the lungs so my unborn child won't be affected and we don't need to evacuate. BRAVO, Brent at poison control. BRAVO! I am so proud I didn't call my OBGYN who is already awaiting one of my crazy phone calls. I said this time around I am going to not be a panicking pregnant lady. I am going to be laid back, cool, and calm. I am a mom now. I am an adult in my (choke) 30's. I am in control. But, I am also so sober, realistically super hormonal, and over emotional too people! I am tired. I have to pee 25x a day. And I AM HUNGRY!!!!!! So give me a break. It could be worse. A lady I'm friendly with kissed her little girl on the lips at the playground with her Dior collagen lip plumper on and the toddler's face blew up within minutes. It was crazy. Another lady was on her cell phone at the playground and her toddler swiped her PB&J sandwich which triggered an unexpected peanut allergy blow up. Hospital trips, poison control phone calls, and freaking out at the pediatrician's office are all a part of the cycle. You can't (actually you can but I'd be divorced and disowned) keep your kid on a leash. I became not only a super mom of a walking and talking toddler but apparently I would have been much better off with a nursing degree too. Alex fell slightly into the tv stand the other day and I thought nothing much of it until he looked at me crying and his mouth filled up with blood. OH MY GOD!!! Say what?!?! I was alone and completely shocked this was happening at such a little fall. After checking for a lost tooth, a bitten tongue, anything I could find.... he basically hit his cheek on the fall BUT his tooth went into the inside of his cheek and pierced the shit out of it. He spit the blood all over his new shirt and stopped bleeding and crying. He was fine in 5 minutes. BUT WHAT ABOUT ME?!?!?! I need a drink. I need a therapist. I need a hug!! What a way to throw me into the crazy nursing part of being a parent that is so far beyond kissing a skinned knee. As I said it could be worse. Things could always be much worse. I hadn't thought that far, but I handled what I was given like a smooth poison control operator and that was just another success.

Don't let this face fool you!!! Turn your back for 5 seconds
and this little boy will find trouble that he knows better than getting into
in front of mommy!